These days, I've got a good hum going pretty much all the time. Sometimes it's from coffee for breakfast, sometimes it's because I can't quite breathe in the face of facing a world without my boyfriend. Sometimes it's because there's so much in the future, unknown, to take advantage of that I'm excited, sometimes I'm scared of all that.
I pierced my ear the other day. Two nights ago, to be exact. Yes, it sounds oh-so studly. I suppose I can take some credit, being that I did it and all. In the cartalidge near the top of my right ear. It hurts. Didn't hurt so much when I did it, but more afterwards. I feel uncomfortable about making this change that my body is so not down with. It's saying, you stuck a safety-pin through me, and now you're not letting me heal? Are you serious? I felt a need for cool, daring, couragous, edgy, un-me. Not that all that stuff it un-me. But I needed a little extra boost. Because when you lose your best friend and partner to the casualties of relationships, it's easy to feel less-than stellar. For me, that is. So I pierced my ear. And guess what? It's kinda cool, but also hurts. And it doesn't work the same for hurt in your heart and hurt on your body. If you stub your toe, the scratch on your arm seems less throbbing. Not true with a broken heart. They pretty much both hurt now.
My friend Gal writes a lot about being held. Knowing that you are held, resting in that knowledge, letting those holding you pull their weight, plus yours, for a little while every once in a while. Accepting that to a certain extent, you're not in charge. You can't control everything, so trust that it will happen as it should. Because it is what it is, and that's exactly as it was meant to be, if only because that's the ways it happened.
I'm trying to let myself be held a little bit. Trust that I'm not in charge, that I don't need to try and hold the hum inside my chest on top of my lungs. I (exhale) will be fine.
No comments:
Post a Comment