this happy

Sometimes it seems like life is always hard. But then sometimes it doesn't, and so you know that you were wrong the first time- life isn't always hard.

I found this photo on my parents' desk at home. My dad recently moved offices at work and I suppose it made its way home at some point during the shuffle. It's a picture of me from when I was probably less than a year old.


When I saw it, I thought, I want to be this happy.

Looking at it gives me this feeling- a fireworks-in-my-belly, sunny-day-at-Stinson-beach kind of feeling. It makes me want to go out and be happy! Because I can do that. Nifty, huh?

It's funny to think that, so often, life becomes all gray and we can't find enough inspiration to make it through the day without wishing it weren't so early so that we could justify going to sleep now. Take off those sunglasses and rub that ennui out of your eyes missy, because now is the time to live. Or at least time to work on your thesis...

I went shopping today and saw this radiating young woman, probably still in high school, shopping with her grandma. I was in the dressing room next to her, and popped my head out to weigh in on the dress she was trying on. They asked the dressing room attendant, so I wasn't technically offering unwanted advice. Maybe. Regardless, she is trying on a skin-tight black one-shouldered tank-top dress, and she looks HOTT. That dress looks great, I said. She and her grandma discuss it, and we all come to the conclusion that, while it does look fab, it's not particularly useful, and that she should get the other skirt she tried on. I agreed, yeah, that dress will be around when you're ready for it. Moral of the story, buy in moderation.

Just kidding!

Looking at this girl, not so much younger than I, I felt a glimmer of what was to come for her, what had come and was still to come for me. I remembered when I was in high school, gorgeous, ingelligent, constantly soaking in a pool of self-doubt and negative self-talk (now however, I am self-doubt free...). I had no capacity with which to see the romance and excitiment yet to come in my life, only seeing the veiw up until my nose- I.B. grades and why none of the boys in my class liked me. I saw in this girl a lightness which comes from the ignorance of one's true beauty and magic, and from never having known a broken heart.

Watching her, I felt a big, heavy vulture take off from my chest, knowing that it would have to find another roost. My chest no longer welcomes heavy things which tend to come and make themselves at home. Yup, you heard me. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I want to be this happy.