Grace eludes and angst sets in. This sucks! I hate everybody. Arrrrrg. Not in the pirate way, more in the why-doesn't-life-seem-to-fit-right-now kind of way. Over-caffinated, under-productive, not to sing the song of the co-ed...
"Set a goal. Focus. Don't go on the internet."
"Come on Alex, you're a big girl."
"200 Rupees" for the rickshaw ride that should've taken 10 minutes but in actuality took an hour.
(Sidelong glance from the woman serving breakfast when I come up for chai for the fourth time.)
F-YOU! (Head explodes and singed confetti scatters over the room, while the sound and flurry fade, the smell of burned toast lingers)
It's easy to spiral here. You know what else I remember? [Insert past or present injustice] My paper feels like it's hopelessly floundering with what turns out to be two water-logged oars I had assumed that I was working with a 50-horsepower engine. Oh crap.
Just a little note to say that I'm not capable of much more than growling at the current moment. Not very bodhicitta of me, I know. But when you share yourself with others, it's not fair to just share the oh-so-serene parts, is it? Not honest, true, not quite grimy enough. And while I have no desire to spread negative energy, because goodness knows that there's enough of that floating around, this is where I'm at. I won't be here forever. But I'm here now. "Necessary spaces," says Kate. Indeed. I am certainly inhabiting this space, and it's not so cozy in here. Hmmm...
It's the grumpy angst that gets you off your tush to produce another stellar project. It's part of your (and many people's process). It forces you to push through it to produce.
ReplyDeleteyour mom is right. be grumpy, it's OK! i hope you feel better soon and remember that the paper won't kill you: you will kill it!
ReplyDeleteYou gotta go thru it to get thru it... so the wise ones say. Love.
ReplyDeleteThe trick about necessary spaces is that it's just a matter of not feeling like shit for feeling like shit. To put it crudely.
ReplyDeleteSpiralling into restlessness and frustration just means you're aspiring to be more than how you perceive yourself. Which is sometimes just a problem of perception - and sometimes a catalyst for really doing things differently, or in a bigger and more ballsy way.
Neither of those two scenarios are comfortable to inhabit. The last thing you need is to pile guilt on it all for not being more enlightened or more like a bodhi girl. You're human and hungry and pushing yourself. And as exposing as it is, that's a good thing.
Getting off this soapy box now. :)
As long as you being grumpy means you'll write a blog post to amuse, titillate, or educate me, I'm sold.
ReplyDelete